Shoulder Shrug Win Back-to-Back Championships

Shrug Finished Another 9-0 Season

The Opposing Captain Literally Pouted During Every Play

 FOSS successfully defended their title Friday night when they cruised to victory against Three and Out. (“Three and Pout” as they are known around the league). In the 32-13 win, Shrug’s defense gained two interceptions and forced two 4^th down turnovers, while Woods clicked on offense with five touchdown throws.

 “I thought my girlfriend was going to show up to the game tonight so I played my heart out,” Woods joked after the celebratory dog pile on Tyler Bennett. “Then I remembered I won’t see her until next week at the family reunion.”

Shrug’s defense, which proved their value in week one of playoff action (allowing only six points), started sharp. DB Kyle Woods intercepted the third pass of the game and Three and Pout's ensuing drives were thwarted by quick pulls and great hair. "I do what I can," DB Luke "The Other Bill" Flancheezy said.  

The offense capitalized on each stop, and after a 50 yard TD pass to WR Tim Ghiorso in the waning seconds of the first half, FOSS found themselves with a 19-0 cushion entering the break.

“I figured at that point the game was over,” Alan Zolfart’s fiancée Helga said, “I actually left the game and got a burrito with Linda and came back before the game finished.”

Despite an errant INT to start the second half, Kyle Woods ate the clock with precision drives, Shrug coasted to the eventual victory, and the burrito run was, indeed, validated. 

The win capped off the most dominant seasonal performance John Kemp has ever seen. Shrug surpassed even their own expectations on route to 32.3 points per game, and an average winning margin of 19 points (three touchdowns) per game. Shrug totaled 291 total points in nine games and only scored less than 30 points twice, according to Ginny Blottie Fact Checker, Inc.

“I guess we’ll feed Tyler this week...” Jeff Bennett tweeted to his 21,000 followers after the game.

The biggest questions facing Shrug in the offseason still remain unanswered. It is reported that QB Kyle Woods and WRs Nathan Ghiorso and Drew Blottie could be leaving the team in pursuit of other opportunities.

WR Nathan Collects The Extra Point In Style...younger brother Tim can only watch

“I plan on taking my talents to Slovenia,” Ghiorso said, “I want to dabble in the art of semi-pro European football and coaching.” 

Kyle plans to pursue a music career out of state and Drew plans on attending Heald College. 

"Drew's mother and I have our fingers crossed," team photographer Dave said, before he downed his tenth Bud Light of the night.

Another important issue is whether or not Shrug will advance into the next division in Folsom’s ponzi scheme labyrinth of fallacies and lies. Shrug requested a move into tier one at season’s beginning—a request denied by league dictator Shawn “Adolf” Stalin. Whether the paperwork was mismanaged, misplaced, or secretly burned, no one can deny Shrug’s entrance into the top tier next season. Their record demands it.

*Thank you to all who watched and supported us in our second undefeated season. Even in bad weather. FOSS will come out next spring in a new division and we hope you will support us then too!

FOSS Has Title Shot After Epic Semifinal

This game turned into an ESPN Classic

Shoulder Shrug won in down-to-the-wire fashion last Friday night. In a contest that featured everything; long throws, great catches, tough defense, controversial calls, and even player ejections, Shrug escaped with a 26-25 win. “It was probably the most intense game we’ve ever played in. We’ve never experienced a game as physical as that one,” QB Kyle Woods said. WR Tim Ghiorso followed, “They were the first team who were almost as good looking as us.”

Shrug's Defense Held True in the Final Moment

Either way, Shrug proved tough in their first ever playoff game. After storming out to a quick 13-6 lead, a touchdown strike to WR Alan Zolfart at half’s end gave FOSS a 14-point advantage. Teams traded touchdowns to begin the second, but the 26-13 lead eventually withered to 26-19. With less than three minutes remaining, usually the time of game when the FOSS offense eats clock, TBA intercepted an errant pass by Woods. The pick led to an easy six points and an opportunity to tie the game on the extra point. DB Tim Ghiorso denied the conversion, and Shrug’s defensive prowess sent TBA to the consolation game. Ex-improv rapper Drew Blottie tweeted the last defensive play from his point of view, “The QB had protection, but he threw in Tim’s direction, which led to the deflection, and TBA’s perplexion—correction—dejection.”

The defensive stop and ensuing first down capped a thrilling game that included the first player ejection of the season, according to Ginny Blottie Fact Checker Inc. When a controversial call led to the Alan Zolfart touchdown, TBA’s starting center John Doughy Doe took objection. “ What the (Expletive) (expletive) (expletive) (expletive)? (Expletive) is so (explevite) (expletive) Tyler Bennett (expletive) (expletive) (expletive).” His language earned him a one-way trip to the parking lot and TBA played without their first string center the rest of the game. “A little whippin' boy training will sort that boy out. No doubt about it,” said Coach Ghiorso.

Shrug scored 26 points on four touchdown throws by Kyle Woods. WR Nathan Ghiorso caught two, and WRs Alan Zolfartalot and Tim Ghiorso caught one each. WR Ian Dyrness made the most important catch, though—a 3^rd down grab from his knees that sealed Shrug’s place in the championship game. The defense forced one turnover and one punt.

FOSS will face Paging Dr. Loggins in this year’s championship. They are not a new foe; Shrug beat them in the first game of the season 25-7, and even beat Loggins in the only win of their inaugural season. That game was marred though when Tyler Bennett took the innocence of a small child onlooker. 

“I’ve never looked at Tyler the same way since that game,” Linda Bennett said over email, after a request for a face-to-face interview was denied. (Probably because of the shame). Details from that bittersweet night can be found here.

Bring your rally towels and best spirit to John Kemp Field this Friday night at 6.30pm for the big game. Go Shoulder Shrug!

Shoulder Shrug Wins Thriller, is 5-0

Shrug faced their first real test of the season last Friday night against The JagerBombers-- and came out on top 19-6. “This was probably the best game all season,” ex-quarterback and newfound defensive talent Tyler Bennett said. “I was finally happy to break a sweat.”

In an uncharacteristic start, FOSS only managed 6 points in the first half. The offense only clicked on one play—a 70 yard touchdown to WR Taylor Gordon on a hitch-n-go. But due to drops, miscues, and poor flag attachment, two touchdowns were nullified and another was blown. The JagerBombers last second TD ended the first half in a 6-6 tie—the first time this season FOSS did not enter the intermission with the lead, according to Ginny Blottie Fact Checker, Inc.

Kyle Woods opened part two with a drive capped by a fourth and goal touchdown. And in that instant, Shrug’s defense woke up and stifled the JagerBombers for the rest of the half. Notable deflections by Taylor Gordon, Alan Zolfart, and Tim Ghiorso broke up potential deep plays that would have put the JagerBombers back in the game. Astounding pressure from former Olympic sprinter Drew Blottie also forced the opposing QB into errant throws and put the JagerBombers in 4^th and long situations that usually fell short. “I’m just trying to impress my hero, Tony CJ,” Blottie said.

WR Tim Ghiorso's sweat transferred Poison Oak to opposing defenders.

The end score read 19-6 in national newspapers, but the real story was how FOSS battled through a sluggish start—against a tough opponent--for a gritty victory.

“They did not play so well, and I expect a better effort next time,” Jeff Bennett commented after the game. “My family came out to watch this (expletive)? Tyler owes me gas money.” (Tyler was last seen being pulled off the field by the ear, in apparent pain).

FOSS is 5-0 for the first time in franchise history and play against TBA next week. It has been reported by fans and friends that TBA sent scouts to FOSS’ game last Friday night to take notes and strategize. “They won’t get any cupcakes if they cheat to win,” Shawna Bennett urged.

Shoulder Shrug will attempt to go 6-0 this Friday night, which would guarantee them a number one seed and neutral field advantage throughout the playoffs. Game time is at 8.30pm at John Kemp Field in Folsom.

Shoulder Shrug Poised For Title Shot

FOSS 2012

With the exaggerated and boring NFL season finally over, fans now can turn their attention to the Folsom Flag Football League, located in Folsom. There will be many new faces but one team remains unchanged-Fair Oaks Shoulder Shrug (FOSS).

Shoulder Shrug returns to the league this season as favorites to take the league title after finishing in 2^nd place in fall of 2011. Amazingly, they will return all 10 starters from last season, as many players turned down lucrative unpaid contracts from teams in nearby cities to remain with Shrug.

This group of league veterans is led by QB Kyle Woods (pictured left). Last year, he turned a slumping Shrug team into a 5-3 contender in just his first season as a starter. His energetic style came up short however as FOSS fell in the title game by 12 points to a team that no one cares about.

 “It was a difficult defeat, but we are already practicing plays and scheming our offense and defense. We will be prepared to win games and go for a title.”

Coach Nathan Ghiorso once again flew his team out to Mississippi in the offseason. Miraculously, FOSS left the southern state with all ten players still alive, even with the coach-enforced ‘Whipping Boy’ punishment.

“These players have been tested and tried. They can play the Shoulder Shrug way.”

Shrug began voluntary minicamps this week to regain conditioning and develop team chemistry. Only 2/5ths of the team showed up for the official team picture.

FOSS will open their season on Friday, March 23^rd. 

Shoulder Shrug Grades (Wks 1-3)--Guest Writer Tim Ghiorso

The first three weeks are in the books for the 2011 Flag Football season. Shrug, after a disappointing season last year (2-6), are making noise.

Shrug came out blazing the first week as if they had been counting down the days since the final game last spring.  The offense was clicking early and Shrug scored on their very first possession. The story of the game however was the improved Shrug Defense. They shut out their first opponent 25-0, forcing 4 interceptions (two of which were returned for touchdowns). In week two Shrugs offense continued to shine. Two time-consuming drives led by Kyle Woods kept FOSS in control. The defense shut down the “Ludacris” offense by forcing 3 more turnovers and only allowing 6 points on a fluke hail mary touchdown. Shrug were clicking on all cylinders, but ran into a wall against “Miner Details” in their third contest. Shrug left out some “minor details” in their game plan which included playing against a 6’5 massive white dude. He may have looked old, but he was tall, strong, and quite fast as he burned Shrugs defense twice with long bombs and was unguardable in the red zone. Shrugs Defense was in disarray the whole game as the QB from the other team worked out every “minor detail” of Shrugs Defense. Shrug kept switching back and forth between man and zone and by the time they figured it out, it was too late. Shrug had a chance to come back, but the D failed to make a 4^th quarter stop to continue the game.  Although Shrugs D suffered a setback, the bright spot was the Offense. Except for a late interception the offense did extremely well. Scoring on 3 touchdown drives and even making a comeback late in the game. Shoulder Shrug is still one of the top teams in the league and they will get a chance to practice and work out some “Miner Details” for next game.

So after 3 weeks of action here are the grades for Shoulder Shrug:

Offense: A-    Shrugs Offense led by QB Kyle Woods has been efficient all season long. Shrug has youth and speed and has an array of offense playmakers.

Defense:  B+   I would have rated Shrugs defense an A if it wasn’t for their last game allowing 28 points and forcing no turnovers. However they have a lot of talent on defense and just need more time to mesh. They are also very good at forcing interceptions (7 over first 2 games)

Special teams:   F   Shrug has only had to punt once this season. Taylor Gordon botched it.

INJURY REPORT

Kyle Woods: Probable sore throwing shoulder

Nate Ghiorso: Probable Knee

Ian Dyrness: Questionable Ankle

Stat Leaders:

Interceptions: 3 Tim Ghiorso, Taylor Gordon

Receiving Touchdowns: 4 Nate Ghiorso

Receptions: Taylor Gordon

Throwing Touchdowns: Kyle woods

Key Additions

            The front office of Shoulder Shrug was very disappointed after last seasons record (2-6) and did something about it. Shrug upgraded both their offense and defense with a few key free agent additions this offseason.

Taylor Gordon, a former Rugby player out of Sierra College, signed with the team and has been a huge addition. He leads the team in receptions and is tied for lead in interceptions. He plays center for shrug and is considered Kyle Woods’ safety valve. However he doesn’t just play it safe. On Shrugs first drive in the first game Kyle called for Taylor to do a seam route. Taylor said later that, “as soon as he called the play for me I got butterflies and I knew I was going to get a touchdown”. And he did just that catching a 50-yard touchdown pass from Kyle. However, there is concern from the front office for next year that Taylor might hold out to restructure his contract because he actually had to pay to even get on the team in the 1^st place.

Another edition was Eric Ramazzini or “carne asada,” a very speedy and athletic player. Eric contributes to both the offense and defense. He hasn’t shown up in the stat book defensively yet, but the stats don’t tell the whole story. Eric came up big in coverage and had key pass deflections on defense. The next game he caught a touchdown on offense.

Also, Shrug added Kyle’s Cousin, Jordan.

Lastly, FOSS decided a QB change was also necessary for Shrugs growth. Last year’s starter, Tyler Bennett, has been replaced by new GM and QB Kyle Woods. Kyle is having a comeback year after struggling as Tyler’s backup in the spring. Now, Kyle doesn’t have to worry about losing his job back to Tyler and can sling it without worry. It has worked with Kyle only throwing 2 INT in 3 games and throwing 9 touchdowns. With these new additions and a capable starting QB, Shrug is confident and their ceiling grows even higher. 

Week 3 Highlights:

 Week 3 Highlights Video

After Shaky First Season, FOSS Ready To Compete For Title (Guest Writer Cameron Vault)

The FOSS debut season started full of great hopes and expectations. Fresh from an intense training camp in which new techniques were utilized, including the "hotbox," they were ready to win. They came out with a ton of energy and looked good. Unfortunately a few close losses but a damper on their spirits.

Finally, in their fourth matchup, they were able to finish the game and get the victory. Many hopeful fans thought this would be the turning point in the season, but they were sadly mistaken. But this did not stop the die hard FOSS fans from returning again and again to see the dazzling play of their star players, including the player/ head coach Nathan Ghiorso (who may resemble Hitler (refer to press conference video).

The highlight of the season was that FOSS developed a devoted fan base who came to cheer on the team in rain or shine. In the second half of the season the team was a contender in every  game they played. The problem was interceptions. Interceptions were the Achilles Heel of the FOSS. This will be taken care of in the off season with an even hotter 'hot box'. There were missed opportunities, yes, but Shoulder Shrug competed.

In fact in their second to last game, their opponents were so scared of them that one of the team members asked a girl he didn't even like to marry him just so the rest of the team could go to Las Vegas for a bachelor party to escape the ferocity of the Shoulder Shrug.

The team ended their season in an electrifying, down to the wire finish. After a first half in the finale FOSS really brought it in the second. With one play to tie the game, the refs called the QB time limit a bit early (we think rivals paid them off). Even though they didn't come out with a win they showed real promise for next season.

So a message for the fans: Get ready for the Fair Oaks Shoulder Shrug to bring it in the next season.

-Written by Guest Writer/Avid FOSS Fan/Ref Heckler/Sideline Drinker/Motivational Cheerer/President of the Shrug Society: Cameron Vault

“The Doctor” Accused of Malpractice

The inaugural season of the Fair Oaks Shoulder Shrug has become a cycle of disappointment, mainly due to the antics of Coach Nathan Ghiorso. From the mishap in Mississippi in which he inadvertently pushed players past their limits and to their dehydrated deaths, to his temper, which has been a constant problem (see the press conference and week 3 blowup in the video section above), Coach Ghiorso has been anything but a coach.

This week, however, he set standards for a coach lower than fans and players thought possible. Instead of showing up for the week 5 match up against the Shoulder Shrug’s undefeated rivals (Polk High), Ghiorso decided to satisfy his need for the spotlight by performing in a local play. Without someone to guide the team, Shoulder Shrug seemed unorganized and unsure in their ability to play. It is unclear whether Shoulder Shrug will be looking for a new head coach, but General Manager Tyler Bennett made the team’s attitude toward Ghiorso clear in a press conference after the game: “We are all upset with Nathan and his lack of commitment to the team. We will consider our options and whether we will let him keep his job, but one thing is for sure: We are retroactively suspending Coach Ghiorso for weeks one through five of the season.”

Nathan’s lack of attendance seemed to be a bigger headline than Polk High keeping their record untarnished. While Polk High players looked on confused, reporters flocked to the Shoulder Shrug sidelines in droves. “As a new addition to the team, I never really felt welcome,” admitted WR Allen Zsoldos, who the Shoulder Shrug added to their roster in week 4 (after Ben Lehmann was moved to the injured reserve). “Now that I had the chance to just play with my teammates, I know that it was just Coach Ghiorso’s racism that was holding me back.” Even those closest to Coach Ghiorso have turned their backs on him. “They say blood is thicker than water,” Coach’s brother and WR Tim Ghiorso said, “but ditching his team for the theatre? I just don’t know, man.”

Hopefully, Coach Ghiorso can get his mind focused on the team for week six. FOSS will have their hands full late at night with the aptly named Late Show, one of the strongest teams in the league. It seems clear that if Ghiorso cannot perform up to the standards of his team, not only will he be out of a job for the summer league, but he will also lose a brother and be forcibly removed from the country and sent to Canada.

-Drew Blottie and Tyler Bennett
(To Contact Drew or Tyler with questions or complaints about Coach Ghiorso, Please email
CoachGhiorsoHateClub@CoachGhiorsoStinks.com)