“The Doctor” Accused of Malpractice

The inaugural season of the Fair Oaks Shoulder Shrug has become a cycle of disappointment, mainly due to the antics of Coach Nathan Ghiorso. From the mishap in Mississippi in which he inadvertently pushed players past their limits and to their dehydrated deaths, to his temper, which has been a constant problem (see the press conference and week 3 blowup in the video section above), Coach Ghiorso has been anything but a coach.

This week, however, he set standards for a coach lower than fans and players thought possible. Instead of showing up for the week 5 match up against the Shoulder Shrug’s undefeated rivals (Polk High), Ghiorso decided to satisfy his need for the spotlight by performing in a local play. Without someone to guide the team, Shoulder Shrug seemed unorganized and unsure in their ability to play. It is unclear whether Shoulder Shrug will be looking for a new head coach, but General Manager Tyler Bennett made the team’s attitude toward Ghiorso clear in a press conference after the game: “We are all upset with Nathan and his lack of commitment to the team. We will consider our options and whether we will let him keep his job, but one thing is for sure: We are retroactively suspending Coach Ghiorso for weeks one through five of the season.”

Nathan’s lack of attendance seemed to be a bigger headline than Polk High keeping their record untarnished. While Polk High players looked on confused, reporters flocked to the Shoulder Shrug sidelines in droves. “As a new addition to the team, I never really felt welcome,” admitted WR Allen Zsoldos, who the Shoulder Shrug added to their roster in week 4 (after Ben Lehmann was moved to the injured reserve). “Now that I had the chance to just play with my teammates, I know that it was just Coach Ghiorso’s racism that was holding me back.” Even those closest to Coach Ghiorso have turned their backs on him. “They say blood is thicker than water,” Coach’s brother and WR Tim Ghiorso said, “but ditching his team for the theatre? I just don’t know, man.”

Hopefully, Coach Ghiorso can get his mind focused on the team for week six. FOSS will have their hands full late at night with the aptly named Late Show, one of the strongest teams in the league. It seems clear that if Ghiorso cannot perform up to the standards of his team, not only will he be out of a job for the summer league, but he will also lose a brother and be forcibly removed from the country and sent to Canada.

-Drew Blottie and Tyler Bennett
(To Contact Drew or Tyler with questions or complaints about Coach Ghiorso, Please email
CoachGhiorsoHateClub@CoachGhiorsoStinks.com)

FOSS Gets The 'W', Gives Little Child The 'L'

Shoulder Shrug broke through Friday night for their first win of the season. It came at a much needed time. On the brink of starting 0-4 for the first time in team history, Shrug players rallied for a contested 13-12 victory over 'Paging Dr Loggins'. Precision passing and smothering defense enabled FOSS to successfully control the clock and a final 50-yardline stand secured victory.

After a stalled first drive and a touchdown surrendered, FOSS was down 6-0 in the first half. With momentum against them, WR Nathan Ghiorso caught a pass on a crossing route and turned a 5-yard gain into a 55-yard touchdown to even the score with PDL at 6-6. After a defensive stand led by newly acquired safety Alan (Ben's replacement), WR Drew Blottie scored on a skillful tip-toe catch in the corner of the endzone. Capping off the conversion was a diving catch by WR Tyler Bennett. PDL scored in the middle of the second half to bring the game to a 13-12 score and the ensuing offensive drive by Shoulder Shrug ate up almost 10 minutes of clock. "It was exactly what we needed at that time...to eat up clock and put PDL against a wall," WR Tim Ghiorso said. The strategy proved effective. PDL was left with four plays to gain 80 yards and in the end it was too much.

The biggest decision of the game came at quarterback. Tyler Bennett was replaced after three starts by reserve Kyle Woods. "Yes, it was my decision to change QB's, but only cause Tyler begged me to," Coach Ghiorso said after the game. "The idea actually came from our avid fan/groupie Ian Camp, who suggested to me via text that we should change the starting quarterback. Ian and Tyler must be on the same cycles or something, cause they were thinking exactly alike."

Coincidences aside, it was the right move. Kyle showed accuracy (no INT) and poise (10-minute drive to effectively end the game) during his two touchdown performance. He converted two critical fourth downs in the 2nd half and his ability to 'jump pass' is something intangible he brings to the QB position.

But while FOSS celebrates a breakthrough, a little boy must now face a childhood of uncertainty. In the 2nd half, a receiver from PDL was ran out of bounds after a short gain. Chaos ensued as a little boy got too close to the field, and was literally run over by ham-handed Tyler Bennett (pictured right). "That kind of momentum isn't stopped easily," WR Drew Blottie said. Tyler did manage to brace the little boy upon impact, but it proved to be traumatic nonetheless. When reporters interviewed the boy's mother after the game, she responded: "It's kind of ironic actually. In his misguided attempt to save my boy's life he actually killed part of his soul. All my child's innocence was stripped away the minute he cupped my boys precious face into his sweaty crotch." No legal charges have been filed, yet.

It was a glorious night for most, and FOSS relished in a deserved victory. Next week FOSS plays against 'Polk High,' a top tier team in this league. A later start time this week will hopefully deter any children from attending the game.

Team Notes: WR and Coach Nathan Ghiorso has been suspended for this week's game against Polk High by GM Tyler Bennett. Nathan will be dazzling his audience on a different sort of stage Friday night at the Integral Community Theater. Tyler was appalled when he learned this and suspended Nathan for conduct 'detrimental to himself'.

-Nathan Ghiorso
(To contact Nathan with questions or complaints, please email ThisBetterNotBeHateMailOrIWillKillYou@yahoo.com)

Growing Pains

It was a mere month ago that Shoulder Shrug arrived on the scene in grand style. Now, four weeks later, they seem to be hiding quietly behind the set.

An 0-3 start in the Folsom Flag Football League has derailed the hype surrounding Fair Oaks Shoulder Shrug. With only one close loss to cling onto, FOSS has taken a pounding in the other two contests. Their most recent defeat was to deep throwing and stiff defending 'O.D.T.', who walloped FOSS 32-6. While FOSS did put together three drives of 75 yard or more, only one resulted in a touchdown. ODT's quick safeties prevented 4th down scores on the two others.

The bright moments FOSS produces seem to be hidden behind the glaring '0' in the win column. "I'll admit I might have got carried away...ya know the media, the money, the parties, the screaming fans at our games, the persistent women..." WR Bryan Sapp acknowledged. "Especially the women," added WR Drew Blottie. Not only have the compiling losses taken a toll on the players and coaches (see Coach Ghiorso Meltdown video), it has also taken its toll on the 'FOSS Faithful' fan base. What were once cheers are now jeers from non-athletic slobs like Ian Camp. Chants of a "No-Win Season! (clap, clap, clap, clap, clap)" are echoed from Tyler Brandt's fugly mouth. "You know it hurts when friends abandon you that fast," QB Tyler Bennett mentioned. "If Ian and I ever met in a dark alley I would probably fight him myself instead of having Claire fight for me."

With FOSS's hopes of winning the league title now all but gone, (and let's face it, they're gone), they will be playing each week with the sole purpose of getting better, becoming consistent, and putting the 'fun' back into game. Look for Shoulder Shrug to come out with a more relaxed attitude this Friday night at 7:30pm at John Kemp Field.

Team Notes: Ben Lehmann broke his finger in his first and only game of Shoulder Shrug's season. While attempting to grab a flag, his finger was caught in the belt of the opposing QB. See the injury below:

Coach Ghiorso also had a media meltdown following the lost to the W.A. Fajitas a little over a week ago. See that video here:

Also, here are a few team pictures!! Thanks to Drew's Daddy-O!