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| Shrug Finished Another 9-0 Season |
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| The Opposing Captain Literally Pouted During Every Play |
FOSS successfully defended their title Friday night when
they cruised to victory against Three and Out. (“Three and Pout” as they are
known around the league). In the 32-13 win, Shrug’s defense gained two
interceptions and forced two 4th down turnovers, while Woods clicked
on offense with five touchdown throws.
“I thought my
girlfriend was going to show up to the game tonight so I played my heart out,”
Woods joked after the celebratory dog pile on Tyler Bennett. “Then I
remembered I won’t see her until next week at the family reunion.”
Shrug’s defense, which proved their value in week one of
playoff action (allowing only six points), started sharp. DB Kyle Woods intercepted the third pass of the game and Three and Pout's ensuing drives were thwarted by quick pulls and great hair. "I do what I can," DB Luke "The Other Bill" Flancheezy said.
The offense capitalized on each stop, and after a 50 yard TD
pass to WR Tim Ghiorso in the waning seconds of the first half, FOSS found
themselves with a 19-0 cushion entering the break.
“I figured at that point the game was over,” Alan Zolfart’s
fiancée Helga said, “I actually left the game and got a burrito with Linda and
came back before the game finished.”
Despite an errant INT to start the second half, Kyle Woods
ate the clock with precision drives, Shrug coasted to the eventual victory, and
the burrito run was, indeed, validated.
The win capped off the most dominant seasonal performance
John Kemp has ever seen. Shrug surpassed even their own expectations on route
to 32.3 points per game, and an average winning margin of 19 points (three
touchdowns) per game. Shrug totaled 291 total points in nine games and only
scored less than 30 points twice, according to Ginny Blottie Fact Checker, Inc.
“I guess we’ll feed Tyler this week...” Jeff Bennett tweeted
to his 21,000 followers after the game.
The biggest questions facing Shrug in the offseason still
remain unanswered. It is reported that QB Kyle Woods and WRs Nathan Ghiorso and Drew Blottie
could be leaving the team in pursuit of other opportunities.
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| WR Nathan Collects The Extra Point In Style...younger brother Tim can only watch |
“I plan on taking my talents to Slovenia,” Ghiorso said, “I
want to dabble in the art of semi-pro European football and coaching.”
Kyle
plans to pursue a music career out of state and Drew plans on attending Heald College.
"Drew's mother and I have our fingers crossed," team photographer Dave said, before he downed his tenth Bud Light of the night.
Another important issue is whether or not Shrug will advance
into the next division in Folsom’s ponzi scheme labyrinth of fallacies and lies.
Shrug requested a move into tier one at season’s beginning—a request denied by
league dictator Shawn “Adolf” Stalin. Whether the paperwork was mismanaged,
misplaced, or secretly burned, no one can deny Shrug’s entrance into the top tier
next season. Their record demands it.
*Thank you to all who watched and supported us in our second
undefeated season. Even in bad weather. FOSS will come out next spring in a new
division and we hope you will support us then too!
