Fans Turn to Local Sports as NFL Lockout Looms

Fair Oaks Shoulder Shrug, pictured on the right, is set to begin their inaugural season as a flag football team in the Folsom Community Recreation League. With home games being played at John Kemp Field and away games also being played at John Kemp field, fans now have something to be excited about again. Folsom is predicting record numbers for fan attendance this season due to the NFL lockout which has left many fans feeling hopeless with nothing to do. With the Kings set to leave Sacramento also, this Rec league is sure to see fans in the thousands flock to JK Field to watch the Shoulder Shrugs play underneath the “Friday Night Lights.”

GM Tyler Bennett, alongside Player Coach Nathan Ghiorso have prepared intensively for the past two weeks.

“We flew our team to Mississippi this offseason to practice in the swamp…we tested the true mettle of our players there,” Ghiorso said. Upon return from offseason activities, all players died of exhaustion and dehydration and were immediately replaced with scab athletes. “My condolences go out to the dead players and their families, but now I have my opportunity to represent the school of hard knocks in this league,” WR Drew Blottie comments.

The current roster includes 2 quarterbacks, 7 receivers, and one center. Seriously, it does. Coach Ghiorso and GM Bennett have strategically selected players to fit Folsom’s “pass happy” league. “I’m going deep every play,” WR Tim Ghiorso exclaimed. “I’m throwing deep every play,” GM/QB/Center/Uniform Designer Tyler Bennett also said.

Coach Ghiorso disagrees. “If Tyler thinks he’s just going to throw it deep every play then he’ll be cut from the team before halftime. We will have Tim run deep every time, however, because he really needs the exercise.”

The main problem facing Fair Oaks Shoulder Shrug (FOSS) is their popularity. They are first timers in an unforgiving league and will be looking to put themselves on the social map. Currently the FOSS team page on Facebook only has 30 fans. Publicist Megan Little projects that 30 fans will soon become 30,000 fans if FOSS can reel off wins early. The team is helping achieve this goal by posting videos in every major media outlet known to man. Their latest post: a controversial press conference that got ugly (link in top right corner). What’s next? Possibly a sponsored Gatorade commercial and even a music video, titled “It’s A Shrug Life.” Be on the lookout.

The season kicks off this Friday, March 18th. Come to JK Field wearing neon green or black. Be there or be dead.

-Nathan Ghiorso
(To contact Nathan Ghiorso with comments, questions, email ThisBetterNotBeHateMailOrIWillKillYou@yahoo.com)